Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Now I'm no chef but...

Take one regular guy, stir well with lashings of underachievement. Add a pinch of disappointment, a dash of aspiration and finally a sprinkle of excessive quirk. Bake at gas mark 6 for twenty two years and serve luke warm with a teaspoon, no, we should probably make it a tablespoon, of sarcasm.

And Here I am.

Craig Harris. This space is mine, feel free to visit anytime but please remember to take your shoes off before I show you around. I'm already filthy minded as it is, and I'm planning to keep this as 'out of the gutter' as I possibly can.

Read without judgement if you will.

They call me Haggis. 'They' being pretty much everyone I know, sometimes including myself. I was first branded with this...Name? When I was around 10 years old. Ironically this was bestowed upon me by a young fellow who, at the time, was affectionately known to all as 'the hump'. Its odd how he managed to affect my entire life, and yet we haven't crossed paths for years.

Why am I here?
This blog, moving forwards, is to be my proverbial shoulders, where I plan to keep all of my worries, my thoughts, or anything I want. Because these are my shoulders. What? Do you want a piggy back? That's fine with me, just remember who's doing the carrying!

I suffer from anxiety. No, let me rephrase; I experience anxiety. By no means do I suffer. So every now and again I get a little hysterical, so what? There's people who are genuinely suffering, and it doesn't matter what they're suffering from. The point is; who am I to claim any part of their world, when they don't wish to claim the world themselves!? Point made.

Hopefully this blog will help me overcome, anything that represents an obstacle for me? Maybe I'll vent a bit of frustration every now and again? Maybe this is the type of blog where you should substitute the word 'Maybe' with the words 'of course' more often than not. :)


2010 is here! Have I really lived in 4 decades? If your definition of living is breathing and functioning as a human being, then yes I have. But have I really lived? It doesn't feel like it. In fact I feel like I've held myself back ever since I got my first pair of shoes that allowed me to walk my own path!

This new decade has to be different. I need it to be! I want to grow as a person and I feel the only way to do that is to push myself... To do anything that won't kill me!
I saw a film a few weeks ago called 'YES MAN' and it inspired me. OK I'm not looking to participate in anything that presents itself to me...because maybe I don't want to swim naked in a muddy canal, but my eyes will more open to opportunities that present themselves to me.

This year is going to be mainly about confidence. To abbreviate as best I can, I have no confidence at the moment. I struggle sometimes. Going to the shop, going to work and more importantly going to see my friends, are all tasks I can barely muster the courage to complete.

Courage - its such an honourable word. Many may feel that I'm belittling the true meaning of the word itself by saying that I need courage to go shopping. To anybody sporting that opinion I would argue that there are certain words that have no meaning, unless the meaning is found on an individual basis. So yes, courage does have an official generic meaning (i guess they have to give it one so that it can appear in the dictionary) but to me Courage means being able to walk past strangers with my head up; it means being able to be outside of my own home without covering my face with a scarf; it means talking to anyone face to face; sometimes it means picking myself up and getting out of bed in the morning.

I will be more confident. I have had confidence in the past. I know it will come. I also know that if I repeat the previous statement to myself time and time again I may one day start to believe it!

I actually made a new friend today. Lucy. Who oddly enough didn't care that I had my face covered, or that I was blushing incessantly as she spoke to me. She put me at ease enough for me to actually have a conversation with her. The smile I've been wearing on my face ever since is my gold medal. Well done me :)

Poetry? I miss my poetry. I used to write a lot. My poems are my art and every single one is a tribute to 'The George'. In my eyes the greatest man to have graced Gods green earth, I'm proud to call him my grandfather and equally as delighted that we managed to share some of our lives together. This year I will start writing again, and every word that I manage to ink into every piece of paper will belong to my grandad. I do miss you an awful lot grandad. I still have your promise, I'm going to make one soon.

I hate my job at the moment. I've supposedly done myself proud by earning a place on the FSA Compliance & Admin team. Apparently I work on THE team. We're in charge of a multi-million pound project. And its exciting!!! Wait, it should be exciting. Why isn't it? Let me tell you something about the FSA Compliance & Admin team. This is a small group of incredibly dedicated individuals, some dedicated enough to take a pay cut to join their department (of which i am one of these people). I've honestly never seen a team of people work so hard, at times! But then we flip the coin...There are times when we have no work to do, and we're unable to help our colleagues with their work because 'that's not what they're paying us to do'...So rather than earn my wage I have found myself sitting on my backside this week, waiting for the day to end. Fab.
Then there's the mentality of 'I've got to be better than everyone' that certain people carry. This has led to people taking credit for other people's work, and people taking the blame for other peoples mistakes. Some of the people that have adopted this mentality are apparently management prospects.

If becoming a manager means walking all over people, then I don't have what it takes. Because I'm sad enough to care.

Luckily for me I happen to have the most faithful and wonderful network of friends in the world! A friend told me not so long back that the REAL friends will still be there, no matter what. I know its a cliche but its so true. And I can honestly say that I have 6 people not far away who won't let me fall to the depths of 'rock bottom'. In fact I think they completely removed 'Rock Bottom' from my world.
In general, I have felt very low lately, but I can feel a subtle sense of 'rallying' around me. And its left me feeling uplifted more often than I expected. Its a tribute to how amazing some of the people in my life are :)

So, 2010, be gentle with me for now.

This dish may be a little questionable right now, but is by no means well within its sell by date.

Seasoning Required :)

1 comment:

  1. like i said new year hun, 2010 is defo the start of something big, hopefully for us all :) mwah xxxxxxxx