This year seems to have been the longest year that I can bring to mind. Obviously it hasn't been longer than any other year - but perhaps the drastic changes that have swept me out of my skin have contributed to this feeling.
Many people say they will do it and do not; many people plan to do it and do not; so many people start, only to fall when presented with a hurdle of difficulty. I, personally, have been guilty of planning to completely change my life and not doing so through lack of belief in myself on a number of occasions.
But not this time.
No longer am I stuck in a job that I hate. I mean, I really hated it there at the best of times. No more do I have to sit in the rusty chair of regret and ask myself what I could have made of myself. No. Now I am answering that question for myself. It is time to find out what I can be.
So I gave up my job, a well paid job by my standards, in exchange for a life of student poverty. Despite my lack of qualifications at college level, I am now studying for a degree in Journalism at Staffordshire University.
Sticking with my policy of honesty in my blogs, I can honestly say that I have never ventured so far out of my comfort zone. I am living on my own with strangers, I am in a town that I have almost no knowledge of and so it is needless to say that I never know where I am or where I'm going!
I am writing essays, learning referencing styles and having to hand work in by deadlines. It's all just as scary as I thought it was going to be.
I could not be happier.
There have been times this year when I have contemplated giving up; I have been seconds away from throwing my pencil to the table and leaving the room during shorthand lessons. But I am anything but stupid. I know how lucky I am to have been given this opportunity and I am more than aware that thousands of students, with perfectly acceptable grades, failed to get their place at university this year.
I am not quitting.
Obviously getting my chance to study at such a high level is the highlight of my year and will probably add to my life-time highlight reel. But 2010 has been about so much more for me.
Throughout this year I have gained many friends, but a couple of people have decided they don't want to be associated with me anymore, people who I previously considered close friends. I cannot hide the fact that I was distraught at the prospect of losing them. But if something is going to happen, it will just happen.
I am a little raft floating along the big beautiful stream of friendship; at some point I was bound to shed some dead wood.
But months ago I made a statement that I stand by to this day; my door is always ajar. For anyone.
I will have been single for exactly one year on new year's eve. Since the age of seventeen I have never really spent such a period of time on my own. It has probably done me the world of good. I have had chance to reacquaint myself with certain friends, address my own insecurities and, most importantly, make the decision to go to university. It is not a choice I would have made wearing rose-tinted glasses.
So to the girl who left me one year ago: Thank you, I hope you are happy and whoever you find love with can give you everything that I could not.
To summarise this year; I am growing into a person that I am comfortable being.
And that is pretty amazing...
Thursday 30 December 2010
Friday 24 December 2010
Banking and Gardening...
When is it OK to be in love?
Not a particularly orthodox question, but one I have found myself asking recently.
Is it OK to be in love with someone who will allow you to bend over backwards for them, to drop anything that you are doing to be with them at any time of any day knowing that they will never love you back and only to repay you with blatant exclusion when you need them?
Is it OK to be in love when it presents an inconvenience to someone else?
Should you bury your feelings just because someone else is uncomfortable with it, even if you are perfect for each other?
These are two scenarios which I have seen in my world.
You don't choose love - it chooses you. Sometimes these feelings appear as if by magic, almost as if Cupid himself had been up to his old tricks. If you are not responsible for these feelings in the first place how can you be wrong to posses them?
It may well be that you are not in emotional debt to the person that loves you and they most certainly are not a bank, however, make one withdrawal too many and a higher price could be paid. A friendship with the potential to be amazing could falter. Account closed and no notice given...
Bury your feelings and, like a seed buried in the ground, they will grow into the most beautiful orchid. Bury them deeper and only the strongest roots will grow. It would be wrong to even attempt to quell something so natural and wonderful when such flowers are blooming world-wide. But there are people who try.
This garden is not for them...
Not a particularly orthodox question, but one I have found myself asking recently.
Is it OK to be in love with someone who will allow you to bend over backwards for them, to drop anything that you are doing to be with them at any time of any day knowing that they will never love you back and only to repay you with blatant exclusion when you need them?
Is it OK to be in love when it presents an inconvenience to someone else?
Should you bury your feelings just because someone else is uncomfortable with it, even if you are perfect for each other?
These are two scenarios which I have seen in my world.
You don't choose love - it chooses you. Sometimes these feelings appear as if by magic, almost as if Cupid himself had been up to his old tricks. If you are not responsible for these feelings in the first place how can you be wrong to posses them?
It may well be that you are not in emotional debt to the person that loves you and they most certainly are not a bank, however, make one withdrawal too many and a higher price could be paid. A friendship with the potential to be amazing could falter. Account closed and no notice given...
Bury your feelings and, like a seed buried in the ground, they will grow into the most beautiful orchid. Bury them deeper and only the strongest roots will grow. It would be wrong to even attempt to quell something so natural and wonderful when such flowers are blooming world-wide. But there are people who try.
This garden is not for them...
Thursday 23 December 2010
Definition...
Have you ever noticed how we live in a culture so flawed that nothing but our shortcomings are noticed? For example...If one person labels you a paedophile, then you are a paedophile; equally if just one tiny voice whispers that you are a failure, the echoes are heard far and wide. You are a failure.
Should one person appreciate anything that you have done, should one beacon of praise emerge from the masses and roar with amazement at your talent, then you have achieved nothing.
There is much I have done in my life that I am proud of; there are favours that I have done for people that many would shy away from because of the effort involved. I have defended people when nobody else would and I have battled against armies of doubters to turn my life around to the point where I am today.
Six years ago I was expelled from college for fighting; Four years ago I was convicted of criminal damage, for which I paid a hefty fine. On top of this I gave into anxiety, which in turn led to me becoming less and less reliable and, eventually, costing me some key friendships.
All of this is what will define me in the eyes of others for the rest of my life. It's almost irrelevant that, since then, I held down a full time job for four years, I helped people when they really needed me (not just wanted me there to make up the numbers)and, knowing full-well that I may not get another job in the foreseeable future, I gave up a job with a decent wage to go to university in an attempt to make something of myself.
For those of you who don't know me, there were so many people who told me I wasn't good enough to go to university. Certain friends told me not to bother, Universities told me that I wasn't intelligent enough to study with them, even my own mother told me that I didn't have the drive to get there.
To the doubters, the abandoners and the users I present the proverbial middle finger.
I know what defines me. I know exactly what has shaped me into the person I am today and what will continue to shape me; everything. It's just a shame that the rest of the world is too busy picking fault out of itself to realise.
Should one person appreciate anything that you have done, should one beacon of praise emerge from the masses and roar with amazement at your talent, then you have achieved nothing.
There is much I have done in my life that I am proud of; there are favours that I have done for people that many would shy away from because of the effort involved. I have defended people when nobody else would and I have battled against armies of doubters to turn my life around to the point where I am today.
Six years ago I was expelled from college for fighting; Four years ago I was convicted of criminal damage, for which I paid a hefty fine. On top of this I gave into anxiety, which in turn led to me becoming less and less reliable and, eventually, costing me some key friendships.
All of this is what will define me in the eyes of others for the rest of my life. It's almost irrelevant that, since then, I held down a full time job for four years, I helped people when they really needed me (not just wanted me there to make up the numbers)and, knowing full-well that I may not get another job in the foreseeable future, I gave up a job with a decent wage to go to university in an attempt to make something of myself.
For those of you who don't know me, there were so many people who told me I wasn't good enough to go to university. Certain friends told me not to bother, Universities told me that I wasn't intelligent enough to study with them, even my own mother told me that I didn't have the drive to get there.
To the doubters, the abandoners and the users I present the proverbial middle finger.
I know what defines me. I know exactly what has shaped me into the person I am today and what will continue to shape me; everything. It's just a shame that the rest of the world is too busy picking fault out of itself to realise.
Saturday 27 March 2010
Hello cruel world...
Waking up can be difficult at times.
Today the sunlight of truth prised open my eyes, waking me from my sleep of ignorance as I discovered that in 2008, 5706 UK citizens took their own life.
Initially I took a moment to contemplate why someone would wish to pay the ultimate price to pass through a toll gate into a brick wall; this curiosity was, however, short lived and rapidly replaced with gratitude that my own outlook on life automatically steers me down a different road, albeit on a congested motorway flooded with car wrecks...of the non-proverbial variety.
In keeping with my own flawless ability to ruin a perfectly good day for myself, I, somehow, managed to drive my car into the back of the car ahead. In truth the driver in front of me had just been stopped in his tracks by another driver who adopted a bull-like characteristic and accelerated at the sight of a red traffic signal.
Realising what he had done, and clearly in no mood to face the consequences of his actions, the coward who caused the accident drove away before anybody else’s senses had returned.
Maybe old uncle Karma will fancy paying him a visit soon? It would be nice to get him out of my hair for a few days at the very least!
Needless to say my entire weekend was ruined, as was my mood. Owing to the accident my seat was vacant at the West Brom game (I hate missing the football) and I had sustained two injuries; a lower back pain and a severe fracture to my pride. Both will heal much quicker than the imminent £500 hole in my bank balance caused by the pending shovel of insurance excess!
I saw Sunday as an opportunity to take a few steps towards repairing my outlook of the weekend. So I went to play football. I hadn’t played in any given capacity for around three years but it always used to cheer me up so I figured it couldn’t do any harm to give it a go.
As it so happens I was awful. Kicking a piece of inflated leather is a lot harder than I recall. Regardless of the obvious lack of skill, I was actually having such a good time! The process of running myself into the ground, physically speaking, really had the desired effect and before long the memory of my accident was pushed right to the back of my mind.
That is...until I hurt myself.
Somehow I swung my leg to kick the football and kicked my friend instead. Don’t worry, he was fine, although my ankle did swell to the size of a small apple. A really small one, like a crab apple.
Again, I reverted back to feeling sorry for myself. This couldn’t be old uncle Karma, what does he have against my ankle?
So in hindsight last weekend was one I would rather forget (which does bring an air of contradiction to the whole point of looking back in hindsight). If I could return to last Saturday and catch the train instead, I would, but I can’t and that low is one I’ll have to deal with.
One thing I have learnt over my brief 22 year stint on this planet is that the low moments are well worth dealing with because the highs, however few and far between they may be, are too amazing to not capture!
Sometimes you may just need to seek the highs while the lows land in your lap. But could I ever take my own life and starve myself of the next high?
OK, so last weekend highlighted that this can be a cruel existence that we live and has caused me to take a new stance; this world can throw whatever it likes at me.
It can put me through as many car wrecks as it can muster because if I was ever presented with the choice of this life or no life at all, I wouldn’t even need a second to consider.
Hello cruel world...
Today the sunlight of truth prised open my eyes, waking me from my sleep of ignorance as I discovered that in 2008, 5706 UK citizens took their own life.
Initially I took a moment to contemplate why someone would wish to pay the ultimate price to pass through a toll gate into a brick wall; this curiosity was, however, short lived and rapidly replaced with gratitude that my own outlook on life automatically steers me down a different road, albeit on a congested motorway flooded with car wrecks...of the non-proverbial variety.
In keeping with my own flawless ability to ruin a perfectly good day for myself, I, somehow, managed to drive my car into the back of the car ahead. In truth the driver in front of me had just been stopped in his tracks by another driver who adopted a bull-like characteristic and accelerated at the sight of a red traffic signal.
Realising what he had done, and clearly in no mood to face the consequences of his actions, the coward who caused the accident drove away before anybody else’s senses had returned.
Maybe old uncle Karma will fancy paying him a visit soon? It would be nice to get him out of my hair for a few days at the very least!
Needless to say my entire weekend was ruined, as was my mood. Owing to the accident my seat was vacant at the West Brom game (I hate missing the football) and I had sustained two injuries; a lower back pain and a severe fracture to my pride. Both will heal much quicker than the imminent £500 hole in my bank balance caused by the pending shovel of insurance excess!
I saw Sunday as an opportunity to take a few steps towards repairing my outlook of the weekend. So I went to play football. I hadn’t played in any given capacity for around three years but it always used to cheer me up so I figured it couldn’t do any harm to give it a go.
As it so happens I was awful. Kicking a piece of inflated leather is a lot harder than I recall. Regardless of the obvious lack of skill, I was actually having such a good time! The process of running myself into the ground, physically speaking, really had the desired effect and before long the memory of my accident was pushed right to the back of my mind.
That is...until I hurt myself.
Somehow I swung my leg to kick the football and kicked my friend instead. Don’t worry, he was fine, although my ankle did swell to the size of a small apple. A really small one, like a crab apple.
Again, I reverted back to feeling sorry for myself. This couldn’t be old uncle Karma, what does he have against my ankle?
So in hindsight last weekend was one I would rather forget (which does bring an air of contradiction to the whole point of looking back in hindsight). If I could return to last Saturday and catch the train instead, I would, but I can’t and that low is one I’ll have to deal with.
One thing I have learnt over my brief 22 year stint on this planet is that the low moments are well worth dealing with because the highs, however few and far between they may be, are too amazing to not capture!
Sometimes you may just need to seek the highs while the lows land in your lap. But could I ever take my own life and starve myself of the next high?
OK, so last weekend highlighted that this can be a cruel existence that we live and has caused me to take a new stance; this world can throw whatever it likes at me.
It can put me through as many car wrecks as it can muster because if I was ever presented with the choice of this life or no life at all, I wouldn’t even need a second to consider.
Hello cruel world...
Monday 15 March 2010
The art of giving up...
May 7th 1945, German troops finally laid down their arms after six years of bloody, hell bent warfare.
I would wish anyone, trying to pinpoint a more significant example of surrender, good luck.
Although I join the mass ranks of individuals who are eternally grateful for what was sacrificed during the Second World War to maintain our great nation’s liberty, my focus today is set solely on a much less significant mark in the history books.
In my opinion, the foundation for a real friendship is the ideology that you never give up, regardless of material circumstance. Of course, the beautiful thing about friendship is that there never has, and never will be, any written laws but given the chance there are certain shores that you naturally would never intentionally swim to...
So many waves to ride, such a small surfboard.
Recently I found myself laid flat, face down in the shallow, salty waters of regret as I failed to attend the celebration that had been planned for an old friend’s birthday. Granted, this was due to my own lack of sobriety at another friend’s gathering, which led to me spending my night with them instead. The next morning I promptly apologised for my no-show and offered to buy my old friend dinner. Never being the type to buy anyone dinner, I had made this offer simply for one purpose; to see my friend.
My offer was ignored and before long I realised that under the shallow waters, where I currently resided, lurked an ominous pit of quicksand. No, Craig, you’re not going anywhere just yet.
The entirety of the conversation I had with my ‘old friend’ is unimportant. What I will highlight was her apparent need to hurt my feelings. Perhaps she took pleasure in mocking personal battles that I have had to deal with over several years, or maybe her response was simply a product of the ‘tit for tat’ culture that seems to have engulfed at least part of her personality.
Either way I was greeted with a torrent of abuse, underlined by several strongly negative interjections.
Finally, with her white flag of surrender waving frantically, it was suggested that we would never be friends. The quick sand dissolved and there has been no contact since.
Art is the process or product of deliberately arranging elements in a way that appeals to the senses or emotions.
When it comes to words I am anything but tone deaf, so when I stumbled across the above definition of ‘Art’ a chord was struck that has since been playing its way around my thoughts.
You see, I can’t help but feel that an unfair, perhaps even distorted, picture has been painted here. In fact, if this was the work of Van Gough I believe his other ear would be subject to the bread knife any time now.
Has the person in question convinced themselves that I am just a bad person? Have they conveniently pieced a jigsaw together made of entirely misconstrued circumstance?
I am sincere enough to place on record how sorry I am for my mistakes, all of them, which have affected anyone.
You will be spared the speech of my sudden realisation as to who my real friends are. I’ve always known exactly who they are.
As far as my friendship with my ‘old friend’ goes; Gingerly, my door will always be ajar.
I guess I just haven’t mastered the art of giving up...
I would wish anyone, trying to pinpoint a more significant example of surrender, good luck.
Although I join the mass ranks of individuals who are eternally grateful for what was sacrificed during the Second World War to maintain our great nation’s liberty, my focus today is set solely on a much less significant mark in the history books.
In my opinion, the foundation for a real friendship is the ideology that you never give up, regardless of material circumstance. Of course, the beautiful thing about friendship is that there never has, and never will be, any written laws but given the chance there are certain shores that you naturally would never intentionally swim to...
So many waves to ride, such a small surfboard.
Recently I found myself laid flat, face down in the shallow, salty waters of regret as I failed to attend the celebration that had been planned for an old friend’s birthday. Granted, this was due to my own lack of sobriety at another friend’s gathering, which led to me spending my night with them instead. The next morning I promptly apologised for my no-show and offered to buy my old friend dinner. Never being the type to buy anyone dinner, I had made this offer simply for one purpose; to see my friend.
My offer was ignored and before long I realised that under the shallow waters, where I currently resided, lurked an ominous pit of quicksand. No, Craig, you’re not going anywhere just yet.
The entirety of the conversation I had with my ‘old friend’ is unimportant. What I will highlight was her apparent need to hurt my feelings. Perhaps she took pleasure in mocking personal battles that I have had to deal with over several years, or maybe her response was simply a product of the ‘tit for tat’ culture that seems to have engulfed at least part of her personality.
Either way I was greeted with a torrent of abuse, underlined by several strongly negative interjections.
Finally, with her white flag of surrender waving frantically, it was suggested that we would never be friends. The quick sand dissolved and there has been no contact since.
Art is the process or product of deliberately arranging elements in a way that appeals to the senses or emotions.
When it comes to words I am anything but tone deaf, so when I stumbled across the above definition of ‘Art’ a chord was struck that has since been playing its way around my thoughts.
You see, I can’t help but feel that an unfair, perhaps even distorted, picture has been painted here. In fact, if this was the work of Van Gough I believe his other ear would be subject to the bread knife any time now.
Has the person in question convinced themselves that I am just a bad person? Have they conveniently pieced a jigsaw together made of entirely misconstrued circumstance?
I am sincere enough to place on record how sorry I am for my mistakes, all of them, which have affected anyone.
You will be spared the speech of my sudden realisation as to who my real friends are. I’ve always known exactly who they are.
As far as my friendship with my ‘old friend’ goes; Gingerly, my door will always be ajar.
I guess I just haven’t mastered the art of giving up...
Thursday 18 February 2010
Sticks and Stones...
"I don't ever wanna talk to you again.
You're a pathetic little boy that needs
to grow a pair of balls! Laters loser!"
You're a pathetic little boy that needs
to grow a pair of balls! Laters loser!"
Someone elses shoes...
We've all done it, analysed a situation and wondered what it would be like if it were you experiencing that fete. These last few days I have done exactly that.
Quite honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I would do if i were to discover that my 18 year old son was about to be a dad. I, equally, have no inclination as to what I would have done should I have found out that his girlfriend was 7 months into the pregnancy and would be gifting life into my family within 2 months!
I don't know what I would do.
Those shoes didn't fit me too well, I'll try this pair;
Where would I turn if my girlfriend told me she was pregnant...with twins? What do I do next? Do I have what it takes to be a dad? Am I old enough? Can I afford this huge change in my life? Do I have the willpower to stay loyal to my new family? What will my parents say?
I don't know what I would do...
One thing is for sure, all of the parties involved in the above scenario need to wear in their new attire within the next 60 days.
Its so very easy to judge in this situation, I mean, how stupid and irresponsible could you possibly be, right? Your income is almost non existent and you refuse to even acknowledge that you have a girlfriend. The flag is certainly being flown for stupidity.
That, however, is the point where I have to slam the breaks on. There's no car crash yet, although the airbags have deployed and the warning light has been flashing for the last 7 months. So I'll take a step back. You could be a brilliant father! I sincerely wish you a lifetime of luck, after all, this is a lifetime adventure you're about to set out on.
Moving on..
Let me tell you about a very special day! 17th February 2010. Its special, first and foremost, as it is the celebration date of the birth of RG - who just so happens to be one of my closest friends (I need to come back to this in a later blog, though.)
less important to the world, but equally as important to myself, this day is special for another reason...
Gingerly, I attended RG's birthday gathering at a small pub in Stourbridge. Its only owing to my huge respect for RG that I attended knowing full well that it was a potential anxiety banana skin.
Ladies and gentlemen put your bananas away! Once I had managed to jump the hurdle that was worrying me most, which was the first corner hurdle of entering the room to that moment when everyone looks at you to see who you are, I was fine. Scratch that, I was so much better than fine. I had such a good time!
For several glorious hours I'm almost certain that I returned to my usual self...my old usual self! Of course, I can be forgiven for not being certain, after all, it has been such a long time since I was that person that I struggle to recall what he was like. It felt like him, though.
As a rule I avoid naming people in my blogs. Everyone is equal as far as I'm concerned. But today I have this overwhelming urge to express my gratitude to the following people who rescued me for a night, probably without realising it.
Ruth Grove
Hannah Pollard
Zoe Holness
Craig Jukes
Andrew Moore
Hannah Grove
Lucie Tromans
Most of you won't even read this. But I love you all. Thank you so much!
Because of you..
Go ahead, present me with every shoe you can find!
I'd still choose to walk away wearing my own <3
Quite honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I would do if i were to discover that my 18 year old son was about to be a dad. I, equally, have no inclination as to what I would have done should I have found out that his girlfriend was 7 months into the pregnancy and would be gifting life into my family within 2 months!
I don't know what I would do.
Those shoes didn't fit me too well, I'll try this pair;
Where would I turn if my girlfriend told me she was pregnant...with twins? What do I do next? Do I have what it takes to be a dad? Am I old enough? Can I afford this huge change in my life? Do I have the willpower to stay loyal to my new family? What will my parents say?
I don't know what I would do...
One thing is for sure, all of the parties involved in the above scenario need to wear in their new attire within the next 60 days.
Its so very easy to judge in this situation, I mean, how stupid and irresponsible could you possibly be, right? Your income is almost non existent and you refuse to even acknowledge that you have a girlfriend. The flag is certainly being flown for stupidity.
That, however, is the point where I have to slam the breaks on. There's no car crash yet, although the airbags have deployed and the warning light has been flashing for the last 7 months. So I'll take a step back. You could be a brilliant father! I sincerely wish you a lifetime of luck, after all, this is a lifetime adventure you're about to set out on.
Moving on..
Let me tell you about a very special day! 17th February 2010. Its special, first and foremost, as it is the celebration date of the birth of RG - who just so happens to be one of my closest friends (I need to come back to this in a later blog, though.)
less important to the world, but equally as important to myself, this day is special for another reason...
Gingerly, I attended RG's birthday gathering at a small pub in Stourbridge. Its only owing to my huge respect for RG that I attended knowing full well that it was a potential anxiety banana skin.
Ladies and gentlemen put your bananas away! Once I had managed to jump the hurdle that was worrying me most, which was the first corner hurdle of entering the room to that moment when everyone looks at you to see who you are, I was fine. Scratch that, I was so much better than fine. I had such a good time!
For several glorious hours I'm almost certain that I returned to my usual self...my old usual self! Of course, I can be forgiven for not being certain, after all, it has been such a long time since I was that person that I struggle to recall what he was like. It felt like him, though.
As a rule I avoid naming people in my blogs. Everyone is equal as far as I'm concerned. But today I have this overwhelming urge to express my gratitude to the following people who rescued me for a night, probably without realising it.
Ruth Grove
Hannah Pollard
Zoe Holness
Craig Jukes
Andrew Moore
Hannah Grove
Lucie Tromans
Most of you won't even read this. But I love you all. Thank you so much!
Because of you..
Go ahead, present me with every shoe you can find!
I'd still choose to walk away wearing my own <3
Monday 8 February 2010
Spotlights...
Note to self: Self loathing is not healthy.
And that ends now!
Lately I've been sitting in shadows; the shadows of others and of my apparent 'former self', the person numerous people asked me to pacify in the past and yet would now rather have back. People tell me they miss me. I miss me too.
Ultimately, my aim is to walk out of these shadows, permanently. Until then I have my spotlights. Random moments of light that temporarily drown out the shadows and allow me to enjoy myself and be comfortable. I control these spotlights.
Unfortunately I am of the belief that there isn't a soul on earth who quite understands this. Time and time again people reach for MY spotlight and point it directly at me. I beg of you, please do not force me out of the shadows when it is not my time to shine.
Do you think you are doing me a favour? I assure you that you are not. I count myself lucky that I have discovered these random moments of light and I cease on every single one when and if I can.
When you shine the spotlight on me,
I'm just a rabbit in your headlights.
And that ends now!
Lately I've been sitting in shadows; the shadows of others and of my apparent 'former self', the person numerous people asked me to pacify in the past and yet would now rather have back. People tell me they miss me. I miss me too.
Ultimately, my aim is to walk out of these shadows, permanently. Until then I have my spotlights. Random moments of light that temporarily drown out the shadows and allow me to enjoy myself and be comfortable. I control these spotlights.
Unfortunately I am of the belief that there isn't a soul on earth who quite understands this. Time and time again people reach for MY spotlight and point it directly at me. I beg of you, please do not force me out of the shadows when it is not my time to shine.
Do you think you are doing me a favour? I assure you that you are not. I count myself lucky that I have discovered these random moments of light and I cease on every single one when and if I can.
When you shine the spotlight on me,
I'm just a rabbit in your headlights.
Thursday 4 February 2010
A little poorer, a little richer...
Here ends the five days of procrastination as I finally make a blog entry. I've missed my little space! Sometimes, though, starring at a blank entry, waiting for the words to come flooding out on their own, doesn't bare fruit.
Right now you could say that I'm on cloud eight, unfortunately cloud nine is currently occupied by JP, who is due to have her baby in the near future. Due to this I was more than happy to set up camp next door.
To my delight this week has been rather productive on my part. I've managed to see FOUR of my very good friends after work on various days, I've also managed to get through a fair amount of work in the office. Of course nobody will notice the latter.
On Tuesday I went for a quiet drink with RG and ZH, with CJ turning up later on in the night. Honestly, I can't recall much of the night owing to my eyes being closed for a good portion of it. I was exhausted! Despite nodding off I was, once more, wearing that huge grin; I didn't say much that night, I literally sat and observed my wonderful friends. The relief of feeling so at ease with them almost led me to tears, its been over a year since I'd been just completely comfortable with my surroundings!
And so far the scarf remains redundant!!!
What is this? There appears to be some sort of white, cold, powdery substance falling from the sky!
Yes Mr Local Authority, its called snow. It has graced us with its presence every single year since time began, which is more than I can say for your gritting service. You have no excuses for being ill equipped that will wash with me!
This year I have been less than impressed with the snowfall, I was even less impressed with the way the local authorities managed to 'cope' with the demand placed on them. Forgive me for introducing the innocence of the weather, however, it appears to be haunting me.
On several occasions I very nearly didn't make it into work. On one occasion I physically couldn't get there, not for the want of trying! For this I can forgive old Mother Nature. But don't your lips just curl when mothers take it a step too far?
One lovely snowy day (please interpret the italic as sarcasm) I attempted to make it home after my ever so exciting shift had finished. After struggling through streams of traffic I finally made it to my estate. I was inches away from home, I could smell the tomato soup, when an ominous crunching sounded from the underside of my car. It seems old Uncle Karma and old Mother Nature were having a bit of a jest at my expense.
To add my weather related blues, yesterday I was informed, via a piece of paper that was left on my desk, that the day I couldn't make it to work would be deducted from my wages. This isn't company policy and I know of no other cases of people having their salary penalised in this way. Honestly, I find this rather disconcerting, but not surprising. Regardless, I shall keep my head down and get on with my work.
Wednesday, the day my employer turned into a masked burglar, EK bought to my attention that she wasn't having the greatest of time and needed cheering up. Enter Haggis! After work I bought her a...frappocino? Basically I bought her a cup of cold coffee with a straw. We had, what could quite possibly be, the best chat we've ever had! By the end of the night I couldn't help but feel that my mission had been accomplished, EK seemed much happier. A good deed that had, in fact, been returned in kind. My spirits were high!
Further to this, I have even more plans to see both EK and HH this Saturday. Honestly, the wait is killing me as I have to look in the mirror every day and I'm petrified that my skin will get worse before then. I can feel my confidence getting a little stronger day by day, but Cousin Common Sense has kept my feet on the ground, he reminds me that this could all be too good to be true. I know he could possibly be right, I mean, I honestly don't feel as though I deserve the levels of happiness that I have encountered recently. I can't help but take comfort from the fact that, every now and again, his advice is only theorised. Maybe he's wrong...
Oh how I hope he is wrong.
So, two hits to the bank balance later, admittedly I am a little poorer.
Following two trips to see some of my closest and dearest friends, and plans afoot to do so again...Who cares about money?
I'm all the richer! :)
Right now you could say that I'm on cloud eight, unfortunately cloud nine is currently occupied by JP, who is due to have her baby in the near future. Due to this I was more than happy to set up camp next door.
To my delight this week has been rather productive on my part. I've managed to see FOUR of my very good friends after work on various days, I've also managed to get through a fair amount of work in the office. Of course nobody will notice the latter.
On Tuesday I went for a quiet drink with RG and ZH, with CJ turning up later on in the night. Honestly, I can't recall much of the night owing to my eyes being closed for a good portion of it. I was exhausted! Despite nodding off I was, once more, wearing that huge grin; I didn't say much that night, I literally sat and observed my wonderful friends. The relief of feeling so at ease with them almost led me to tears, its been over a year since I'd been just completely comfortable with my surroundings!
And so far the scarf remains redundant!!!
What is this? There appears to be some sort of white, cold, powdery substance falling from the sky!
Yes Mr Local Authority, its called snow. It has graced us with its presence every single year since time began, which is more than I can say for your gritting service. You have no excuses for being ill equipped that will wash with me!
This year I have been less than impressed with the snowfall, I was even less impressed with the way the local authorities managed to 'cope' with the demand placed on them. Forgive me for introducing the innocence of the weather, however, it appears to be haunting me.
On several occasions I very nearly didn't make it into work. On one occasion I physically couldn't get there, not for the want of trying! For this I can forgive old Mother Nature. But don't your lips just curl when mothers take it a step too far?
One lovely snowy day (please interpret the italic as sarcasm) I attempted to make it home after my ever so exciting shift had finished. After struggling through streams of traffic I finally made it to my estate. I was inches away from home, I could smell the tomato soup, when an ominous crunching sounded from the underside of my car. It seems old Uncle Karma and old Mother Nature were having a bit of a jest at my expense.
To add my weather related blues, yesterday I was informed, via a piece of paper that was left on my desk, that the day I couldn't make it to work would be deducted from my wages. This isn't company policy and I know of no other cases of people having their salary penalised in this way. Honestly, I find this rather disconcerting, but not surprising. Regardless, I shall keep my head down and get on with my work.
Wednesday, the day my employer turned into a masked burglar, EK bought to my attention that she wasn't having the greatest of time and needed cheering up. Enter Haggis! After work I bought her a...frappocino? Basically I bought her a cup of cold coffee with a straw. We had, what could quite possibly be, the best chat we've ever had! By the end of the night I couldn't help but feel that my mission had been accomplished, EK seemed much happier. A good deed that had, in fact, been returned in kind. My spirits were high!
Further to this, I have even more plans to see both EK and HH this Saturday. Honestly, the wait is killing me as I have to look in the mirror every day and I'm petrified that my skin will get worse before then. I can feel my confidence getting a little stronger day by day, but Cousin Common Sense has kept my feet on the ground, he reminds me that this could all be too good to be true. I know he could possibly be right, I mean, I honestly don't feel as though I deserve the levels of happiness that I have encountered recently. I can't help but take comfort from the fact that, every now and again, his advice is only theorised. Maybe he's wrong...
Oh how I hope he is wrong.
So, two hits to the bank balance later, admittedly I am a little poorer.
Following two trips to see some of my closest and dearest friends, and plans afoot to do so again...Who cares about money?
I'm all the richer! :)
Sunday 31 January 2010
Forgiving the devil...
Please excuse the fragmented state and awkwardness of this post.
Its December 2008. Despite having a complete lack of confidence due to the state of my skin at the time, my friends had convinced me that my ego required alcohol and music. Honestly, leaving the safety net of my bedroom was the last thing that I wanted to do. I knew that I needed this, though. In a matter of minutes I had transformed my view of this night from being completely frightful, to being the most important night of my life. I'm aware how drastic this sounds, however, when your mindset is, not set at all, your general response to ANY given situation could be unpredictable. As was mine.
Nobody knows just how long I spent on self grooming that night. In hindsight I was ready to go after around 45 minutes. That was transformed into hours when I saw my own reflection in the mirror, no, the devil. A mirror is simply a sheet of reflective glass that mirrors whatever stands in front of it, thus the name...What I was looking at made me vomit. I knew how I looked, and this wasn't how I envisaged myself. Who the hell was looking back at me? This had to be the work of the devil, and if it was indeed his handy work he had me down to a T.
The guy staring back at me looked as heartbroken as I was.
I straightened my hair numerous times, at least 6. I changed my outfit more times that I can even remember. I brushed my teeth so many times that I must have lost at least one layer of enamel. Anything that I could do to take the attention away from my face I would have done. Obviously my face is my face and hiding it was a battle lost before it had even began. Gingerly, I ventured out.
I arrived at the flat rather late, owing to my obsession with the mirror. In my haste to leave the house I had forgotten to take a manly beer drink and so had to make do with wine. Not the end of the world and, anyway, wine sends me to the land of wobbly legs a lot quicker than any other beverage.
The second the door was opened my heart sank. I was starring at a room full of an awful lot of people. What made it worse was the fact that I didn't know most of them. Oh the confliction that passed through my mind at that moment. Do I leave? I desperately want to leave! Am I willing to fail? I'm already here now I can't just go.
In the end my privilege to choose was taken away as I was ushered inside.
One thing that I find amazing is how you can categorically convince yourself that everyone in a room is collectively starring straight at you because of your own insecurities. Truthfully everyone that I hadn't had the pleasure of meeting were starring straight through me like I'd never even arrived and that suited me perfectly.
A sense of freedom came over me. There I was having fun with some of my best friends in the world. Would I dare feel it? I did... I felt comfortable.
For around an hour I sat with huge smile cutting a gaping hole in my face. Everyone, myself included, was a little inebriated. When the alcohol kicks in there will always be (and there indeed was) one person who wants to be a little ambitious. So it was suggested that we all played a game. Me, my friends and everyone who I had hoped I would stay invisible to.
Exactly what game we played that night evades my memory. It involved us all sitting in a circle and giving a brief profile, if you will, of who we were. Luckily I was the first person to go, so I didn't have to wait. I'm not sure if I would've handled the pressure of waiting my turn. Surprisingly, it went rather well. A few jokes were made by myself, and few at my expense. But all in all I felt liked.
Along comes Ruth, by no means am I referring to my friend Ruth. This...person was nothing but my friend. This person will never be my friend.
Initially I found Ruth to be witty and humorous, we even exchanged a few jokes and shared in some banter, which resulted in an attempt, on her part, to chase me around the flat. I clearly managed to handle my frame with much more ease as I managed to bolt for the bedroom before she could even move. I shut the door and put a doorstop under it. I had escaped, thank God!
Or had I escaped?
Ruth (I hate that her name is Ruth because my Ruth is an angel) seemed to take exception to the inoperable door that I had placed in front of her. She proceeded to kick it a few times in vein.
Then she said the words.
"You're just a spotty twat."
And that was it.
I was thinking it, my mirror was definitely thinking it and everyone else was clearly thinking it.
Was my mirror the devil? No. Ruth was, and if she wasn't, she was certainly doing his dirty work. I didn't know this person and yet she felt empowered enough to say those words to me. Words that echo around the caves, that were once filled with my confidence, ever since.
To this day that moment still defines who I am. I had a choice. If I so wanted I could have retaliated to those words; believe me I wanted to retaliate. There was a time when I would have done so before she had even opened her trap. I credit myself with enough creativity to utilise one of her characteristics in a hurtful way. But I didn't want to hurt her. Instead I removed the door stop, left the flat and walked home, back to my safety net.
Usually that is where I can still be found. Wrapped up nicely in my safety net; hiding in my bedroom where the only person who can hurt me is myself. That has been the case for too long now.
Ruth won't even know what she did to me that night. Being the character that she was I have my doubts as to whether she would care if she did know. Perhaps old Uncle Karma should pay her a visit instead of sitting at my doorstep?
At no point did I feel hatred towards her even though many would. Every ounce of hatred that I had was directed towards myself. Please bare in mind that this was 2008. I am in a different place now. I am learning to love myself a little more all the time (and I don't mean with my right hand).
The realisation that I should have probably hated her, even if just a little, has reached me far too late. I have decided that I most certainly do not have the effort available validate her, Ruth, The Devil, with hatred when I need to focus on repairing the damage that she has done because she's kept me awake almost every single night since.
And so I forgive the devil and move on.
Its December 2008. Despite having a complete lack of confidence due to the state of my skin at the time, my friends had convinced me that my ego required alcohol and music. Honestly, leaving the safety net of my bedroom was the last thing that I wanted to do. I knew that I needed this, though. In a matter of minutes I had transformed my view of this night from being completely frightful, to being the most important night of my life. I'm aware how drastic this sounds, however, when your mindset is, not set at all, your general response to ANY given situation could be unpredictable. As was mine.
Nobody knows just how long I spent on self grooming that night. In hindsight I was ready to go after around 45 minutes. That was transformed into hours when I saw my own reflection in the mirror, no, the devil. A mirror is simply a sheet of reflective glass that mirrors whatever stands in front of it, thus the name...What I was looking at made me vomit. I knew how I looked, and this wasn't how I envisaged myself. Who the hell was looking back at me? This had to be the work of the devil, and if it was indeed his handy work he had me down to a T.
The guy staring back at me looked as heartbroken as I was.
I straightened my hair numerous times, at least 6. I changed my outfit more times that I can even remember. I brushed my teeth so many times that I must have lost at least one layer of enamel. Anything that I could do to take the attention away from my face I would have done. Obviously my face is my face and hiding it was a battle lost before it had even began. Gingerly, I ventured out.
I arrived at the flat rather late, owing to my obsession with the mirror. In my haste to leave the house I had forgotten to take a manly beer drink and so had to make do with wine. Not the end of the world and, anyway, wine sends me to the land of wobbly legs a lot quicker than any other beverage.
The second the door was opened my heart sank. I was starring at a room full of an awful lot of people. What made it worse was the fact that I didn't know most of them. Oh the confliction that passed through my mind at that moment. Do I leave? I desperately want to leave! Am I willing to fail? I'm already here now I can't just go.
In the end my privilege to choose was taken away as I was ushered inside.
One thing that I find amazing is how you can categorically convince yourself that everyone in a room is collectively starring straight at you because of your own insecurities. Truthfully everyone that I hadn't had the pleasure of meeting were starring straight through me like I'd never even arrived and that suited me perfectly.
A sense of freedom came over me. There I was having fun with some of my best friends in the world. Would I dare feel it? I did... I felt comfortable.
For around an hour I sat with huge smile cutting a gaping hole in my face. Everyone, myself included, was a little inebriated. When the alcohol kicks in there will always be (and there indeed was) one person who wants to be a little ambitious. So it was suggested that we all played a game. Me, my friends and everyone who I had hoped I would stay invisible to.
Exactly what game we played that night evades my memory. It involved us all sitting in a circle and giving a brief profile, if you will, of who we were. Luckily I was the first person to go, so I didn't have to wait. I'm not sure if I would've handled the pressure of waiting my turn. Surprisingly, it went rather well. A few jokes were made by myself, and few at my expense. But all in all I felt liked.
Along comes Ruth, by no means am I referring to my friend Ruth. This...person was nothing but my friend. This person will never be my friend.
Initially I found Ruth to be witty and humorous, we even exchanged a few jokes and shared in some banter, which resulted in an attempt, on her part, to chase me around the flat. I clearly managed to handle my frame with much more ease as I managed to bolt for the bedroom before she could even move. I shut the door and put a doorstop under it. I had escaped, thank God!
Or had I escaped?
Ruth (I hate that her name is Ruth because my Ruth is an angel) seemed to take exception to the inoperable door that I had placed in front of her. She proceeded to kick it a few times in vein.
Then she said the words.
"You're just a spotty twat."
And that was it.
I was thinking it, my mirror was definitely thinking it and everyone else was clearly thinking it.
Was my mirror the devil? No. Ruth was, and if she wasn't, she was certainly doing his dirty work. I didn't know this person and yet she felt empowered enough to say those words to me. Words that echo around the caves, that were once filled with my confidence, ever since.
To this day that moment still defines who I am. I had a choice. If I so wanted I could have retaliated to those words; believe me I wanted to retaliate. There was a time when I would have done so before she had even opened her trap. I credit myself with enough creativity to utilise one of her characteristics in a hurtful way. But I didn't want to hurt her. Instead I removed the door stop, left the flat and walked home, back to my safety net.
Usually that is where I can still be found. Wrapped up nicely in my safety net; hiding in my bedroom where the only person who can hurt me is myself. That has been the case for too long now.
Ruth won't even know what she did to me that night. Being the character that she was I have my doubts as to whether she would care if she did know. Perhaps old Uncle Karma should pay her a visit instead of sitting at my doorstep?
At no point did I feel hatred towards her even though many would. Every ounce of hatred that I had was directed towards myself. Please bare in mind that this was 2008. I am in a different place now. I am learning to love myself a little more all the time (and I don't mean with my right hand).
The realisation that I should have probably hated her, even if just a little, has reached me far too late. I have decided that I most certainly do not have the effort available validate her, Ruth, The Devil, with hatred when I need to focus on repairing the damage that she has done because she's kept me awake almost every single night since.
And so I forgive the devil and move on.
Thursday 28 January 2010
Story time...
You tell me that you want me back, that you love me and you always have and always will.
The same frivolous words fell from your lips two weeks ago...
Leaving me on new years eve, just hours before the new year sets in was, in itself, a kick in the gut. But to then feel the need to play with my emotions by telling me you wanted me back, allowing me to consider it and then revoking everything that you had said by simply stating,
"I'm sorry, I didn't want you back really, I was confused," well that was as equally cowardly as sending me a text message to end it in the first place.
You are a coward.
And now, now you call me at 4am.
Now you act surprised that I don't answer the call?
Now that the story you wanted to pursue hasn't ended well, you want to pick up where we left off?
Sometimes I may be a little easy to read but I can assure you that I am most certainly not a book! I cannot and will not be placed on the top shelf with all the other old books, just in case you fancy another read. From now on, as far as you are concerned, my pages are blank from cover to cover. There's nothing left for you here.
If, by some strange miracle, I woke up tomorrow and discovered that I had indeed been transformed into a book, my blurb would read as follows:
"The life of a young man who, for years, has made the wrong decisions, is about to change.
Follow Craig Harris as he leaves his troubles behind him and shows the world that he has more than just potential.
Once more, its time to love in the right places."
Sounds like a bit of a chick flick to be honest, I assure you its not. Its a new manly book about me turning my life around. :) (maybe I should really write a book, obviously not about myself - that would be the best hobby ever!)
I can't wait to get my teeth into this new story, I'm already just a matter of pages into it and I know that I want to read forever. This time I will read forever (it's going to be even longer than war and peace!) You see, people (myself included) will always say that they've learnt their lessons, that they're sorry and it will never happen again. This would not be the first time that I have said this. However this time there is a sincere difference.
Somehow, unbelievably, I managed to edge myself to the end of a road. A road where friendships end. Friendships that have not run their course yet because their course has no end. I'd never walked so far down this road in the past.
Every single one of my friends is beautiful to me. To think that I almost cost myself even one of these friendships makes me resent myself a little. For each friendship that nearly escaped me my resentment towards myself increases a little.
This time I'm not going anywhere.
And this brings me back to you. I partly blame you for putting a distance between me and my friends. Knowing full well that I didn't want to leave the house without you, owing to my anxiety issues, you would refuse to come out. Despite my constant efforts to be friends with your friends, your efforts to keep me away from mine were equally constant.
To accuse me and my best friend of having any kind of relationship behind your back, was obscene. Using this as an excuse to never see my friends was, again, obscene.
Part of me wants you to read this, part of me has forgotten your name.
Either way,
This story is over.
The same frivolous words fell from your lips two weeks ago...
Leaving me on new years eve, just hours before the new year sets in was, in itself, a kick in the gut. But to then feel the need to play with my emotions by telling me you wanted me back, allowing me to consider it and then revoking everything that you had said by simply stating,
"I'm sorry, I didn't want you back really, I was confused," well that was as equally cowardly as sending me a text message to end it in the first place.
You are a coward.
And now, now you call me at 4am.
Now you act surprised that I don't answer the call?
Now that the story you wanted to pursue hasn't ended well, you want to pick up where we left off?
Sometimes I may be a little easy to read but I can assure you that I am most certainly not a book! I cannot and will not be placed on the top shelf with all the other old books, just in case you fancy another read. From now on, as far as you are concerned, my pages are blank from cover to cover. There's nothing left for you here.
If, by some strange miracle, I woke up tomorrow and discovered that I had indeed been transformed into a book, my blurb would read as follows:
"The life of a young man who, for years, has made the wrong decisions, is about to change.
Follow Craig Harris as he leaves his troubles behind him and shows the world that he has more than just potential.
Once more, its time to love in the right places."
Sounds like a bit of a chick flick to be honest, I assure you its not. Its a new manly book about me turning my life around. :) (maybe I should really write a book, obviously not about myself - that would be the best hobby ever!)
I can't wait to get my teeth into this new story, I'm already just a matter of pages into it and I know that I want to read forever. This time I will read forever (it's going to be even longer than war and peace!) You see, people (myself included) will always say that they've learnt their lessons, that they're sorry and it will never happen again. This would not be the first time that I have said this. However this time there is a sincere difference.
Somehow, unbelievably, I managed to edge myself to the end of a road. A road where friendships end. Friendships that have not run their course yet because their course has no end. I'd never walked so far down this road in the past.
Every single one of my friends is beautiful to me. To think that I almost cost myself even one of these friendships makes me resent myself a little. For each friendship that nearly escaped me my resentment towards myself increases a little.
This time I'm not going anywhere.
And this brings me back to you. I partly blame you for putting a distance between me and my friends. Knowing full well that I didn't want to leave the house without you, owing to my anxiety issues, you would refuse to come out. Despite my constant efforts to be friends with your friends, your efforts to keep me away from mine were equally constant.
To accuse me and my best friend of having any kind of relationship behind your back, was obscene. Using this as an excuse to never see my friends was, again, obscene.
Part of me wants you to read this, part of me has forgotten your name.
Either way,
This story is over.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
The bus theory...
So you wait, for what seems like a lifetime, for a bus that clearly isn't going to turn up. I'm not speaking metaphorically here, I was actually waiting for a bus.
Isn't the theory supposed to be that you could wait an hour for a bus and then two would arrive together? Please believe me when I say that even that would've been a blessing today. But no, an hour after arriving at the bus stop there was still no bus to be seen, despite the signs insisting that their 'service' ran every 15-20 minutes.
Needless to say that eventually I gave up waiting and walked half way to work before catching, what can only be described as a very questionable, alternative driven by a polish man with the blackest moustache I have ever seen.
Diamond Buses received a complaint for making me late for work :)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Don't you think that it's amazing just how you can't let some things go? Even when you thought that you had such a long time ago. It just takes one moment. To realise that someone from your past is feeling uncertainty and perhaps even pain reignites something. I don't know what it is. Is it a flare of guilt? For helping walk you down the path that has ultimately lead you to this point? Maybe.
Is it an ache to know that you're OK even though I'm too scared to really ask? Yes. And All I know for certain is that I feel your pain when you feel it, even if I shouldn't. I wish that only I could feel it, I wish that I could wish your troubles away.
I've put a word in with the big man upstairs. When my time on this beautiful planet is done I will be your guardian. I'm guessing they will have to give me some sort of training but I think I would make a splendid guardian, criminal record aside.
...I am certain you're bus will turn up....
Isn't the theory supposed to be that you could wait an hour for a bus and then two would arrive together? Please believe me when I say that even that would've been a blessing today. But no, an hour after arriving at the bus stop there was still no bus to be seen, despite the signs insisting that their 'service' ran every 15-20 minutes.
Needless to say that eventually I gave up waiting and walked half way to work before catching, what can only be described as a very questionable, alternative driven by a polish man with the blackest moustache I have ever seen.
Diamond Buses received a complaint for making me late for work :)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Don't you think that it's amazing just how you can't let some things go? Even when you thought that you had such a long time ago. It just takes one moment. To realise that someone from your past is feeling uncertainty and perhaps even pain reignites something. I don't know what it is. Is it a flare of guilt? For helping walk you down the path that has ultimately lead you to this point? Maybe.
Is it an ache to know that you're OK even though I'm too scared to really ask? Yes. And All I know for certain is that I feel your pain when you feel it, even if I shouldn't. I wish that only I could feel it, I wish that I could wish your troubles away.
I've put a word in with the big man upstairs. When my time on this beautiful planet is done I will be your guardian. I'm guessing they will have to give me some sort of training but I think I would make a splendid guardian, criminal record aside.
...I am certain you're bus will turn up....
Monday 25 January 2010
What are you wearing???
Such an interesting question, one that usually elicits a less than savoury response from the masses. In this instance, and in line with my 'lets try to keep this clean' policy I set in my first post, this question is not to be interpreted in that context.
So why am I asking? Well, I ask for one simple reason; because it gives me an excuse to let you know what I am wearing, which is THE biggest smile!
I guess you could say that I had, what most people would call, a quiet drink with friends. I call it a breakthrough.
You see, not only did I (once again!) muster up the courage to go sit in a public place. I actually managed it without feeling the need to cover my face with a scarf. OK, if I want to be completely truthful I totally felt the need to cover my face. But the important thing is that my face was completely uncovered the whole time!
Well done me! I really am giving myself cause to be proud lately.
Tonight was about so much more than just going for drinks with friends. Tonight could represent the start of something. Tonight could represent the start of my new life. I want to go places, I want to meet people. I want to have the confidence to meet people!
Tonight more than ever, I honestly feel that my 'return', if you will, is imminent. However, I'm not kidding myself. So many times I have felt this good only to have it thrown back in my face (quite literally the face) But right now I'm on cloud nine!
So I've reignited my dream, for now. My capacity for learning is far from satisfied and I have always longed to go into further education. Is university my calling? Even a local establishment that I don't even have to move to?
I do hope so.
So why am I asking? Well, I ask for one simple reason; because it gives me an excuse to let you know what I am wearing, which is THE biggest smile!
I guess you could say that I had, what most people would call, a quiet drink with friends. I call it a breakthrough.
You see, not only did I (once again!) muster up the courage to go sit in a public place. I actually managed it without feeling the need to cover my face with a scarf. OK, if I want to be completely truthful I totally felt the need to cover my face. But the important thing is that my face was completely uncovered the whole time!
Well done me! I really am giving myself cause to be proud lately.
Tonight was about so much more than just going for drinks with friends. Tonight could represent the start of something. Tonight could represent the start of my new life. I want to go places, I want to meet people. I want to have the confidence to meet people!
Tonight more than ever, I honestly feel that my 'return', if you will, is imminent. However, I'm not kidding myself. So many times I have felt this good only to have it thrown back in my face (quite literally the face) But right now I'm on cloud nine!
So I've reignited my dream, for now. My capacity for learning is far from satisfied and I have always longed to go into further education. Is university my calling? Even a local establishment that I don't even have to move to?
I do hope so.
Sunday 24 January 2010
Gentleman's Headbutt.
Despite the time shown at the bottom of this blog, which I believe to be the current time over yonder in the USA, I am actually writing this at 02:00am exactly. Normally that wouldn't be important but the real time has relevance to this post.
You see, my friend just returned home from, what sounds like, an epic night of alcohol consumption! The kind of night I miss. Mainly I can't understand a single thing that he's talking about, not that I ever really could anyway! Sometimes he just likes to talk, which results in some very interesting conversations!
Typically CJ (I don't actually call him CJ, I'm just abbreviating for the sake of this blog) will play numerous drinking games on his merry outings. Tonight was no different. He has just described to me a game called 'Gentleman's Headbutt'. Sound interesting? Well if you would like to play the rules are ever so simple;
1.HEADBUTT EVERYONE
2.WHEN YOU SAY YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH (or when you get brain damage) YOU'RE OUT.
3.LAST MAN STANDING WINS
Still want to play?
OK, so I really have no interest at all in bruising the inners of my skull, but hearing CJ talking about his nights out really makes me wish I was there with him, partly for the actual fun of having a night out. But mostly because I would like to see him.
Over the years I always noticed that I never really managed to fit in with guys, they always seemed uncomfortable around me, or unsure of me. A lot of them openly didn't like me. But not with CJ. I can still remember the first words we ever said to each other outside the science room of 7JR. Instantly I liked him. Little did I know then that 10 years later he'd be the only person on the planet with a penis that really understood me..or even slightly understood me.
I'm lucky enough to know a few people who I describe as my best friend. But because he is the only member of the male species yet to turn his back on me, I guess he's special.
Basically, what I have just done is capture several paragraphs of complete nonsense, when all I really want to say is...
I miss my best friend.
You see, my friend just returned home from, what sounds like, an epic night of alcohol consumption! The kind of night I miss. Mainly I can't understand a single thing that he's talking about, not that I ever really could anyway! Sometimes he just likes to talk, which results in some very interesting conversations!
Typically CJ (I don't actually call him CJ, I'm just abbreviating for the sake of this blog) will play numerous drinking games on his merry outings. Tonight was no different. He has just described to me a game called 'Gentleman's Headbutt'. Sound interesting? Well if you would like to play the rules are ever so simple;
1.HEADBUTT EVERYONE
2.WHEN YOU SAY YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH (or when you get brain damage) YOU'RE OUT.
3.LAST MAN STANDING WINS
Still want to play?
OK, so I really have no interest at all in bruising the inners of my skull, but hearing CJ talking about his nights out really makes me wish I was there with him, partly for the actual fun of having a night out. But mostly because I would like to see him.
Over the years I always noticed that I never really managed to fit in with guys, they always seemed uncomfortable around me, or unsure of me. A lot of them openly didn't like me. But not with CJ. I can still remember the first words we ever said to each other outside the science room of 7JR. Instantly I liked him. Little did I know then that 10 years later he'd be the only person on the planet with a penis that really understood me..or even slightly understood me.
I'm lucky enough to know a few people who I describe as my best friend. But because he is the only member of the male species yet to turn his back on me, I guess he's special.
Basically, what I have just done is capture several paragraphs of complete nonsense, when all I really want to say is...
I miss my best friend.
Thursday 21 January 2010
For she's a jolly good fellow...
...That unfortunately I'll have to deny.
Today is my mother's Birthday, the distance between the two of us clearly highlighted by the fact that I completely forgot and further enhanced by my lack of knowledge as to just how old she is.
And she is old, both of my parents are. Dad turned 60 in September. Can that be right? Life without my dad would be...will be...I don't even have a finale for that sentence. I know that ultimately I will open my eyes in the morning and all that will remain of him will be my own reflection and memories. I'm equally as petrified that, being a few years older, dad will pass long before mom; the woman who put this family in jeopardy, who has no respect for me and earns no respect from me, the woman who has caused the rest of our family to shun us. Is it Gods plan for me to be left alone in this world with this woman?
Strange how, in the celebration of someones life, it is so easy to contemplate death.
Old Uncle Karma seems to have his campsite well and truly setup right now. Oddly enough he hasn't spoken with me just yet, I know he's hiding around here somewhere, though. My first clue being the breaks on my car going. He always seems to target my car. He doesn't mind that lessons have already been learnt, or that punishments have already been dished out. He will only be content when the universe is balanced once more and who decides when the universe is balanced?
Everyone would like to think of themselves as a good friend, nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. This is my time to hold my hands up and admit that my flaws have seeped into pastures they should have never even had sight of. These are the pastures that have, for years, offered me shelter from storms that would have destroyed me otherwise. I have allowed my own personal turmoil to affect every single friendship that I hold dear. For that I can not be anymore apologetic.
I speak to KW for 30 seconds and a smile breaks out on my face.
I am going to change. I am the friend that you all deserve, and I will show it!
Plus its in writing now, so that's a contract, right?
I'll sign with a cross on my heart.
Today is my mother's Birthday, the distance between the two of us clearly highlighted by the fact that I completely forgot and further enhanced by my lack of knowledge as to just how old she is.
And she is old, both of my parents are. Dad turned 60 in September. Can that be right? Life without my dad would be...will be...I don't even have a finale for that sentence. I know that ultimately I will open my eyes in the morning and all that will remain of him will be my own reflection and memories. I'm equally as petrified that, being a few years older, dad will pass long before mom; the woman who put this family in jeopardy, who has no respect for me and earns no respect from me, the woman who has caused the rest of our family to shun us. Is it Gods plan for me to be left alone in this world with this woman?
Strange how, in the celebration of someones life, it is so easy to contemplate death.
Old Uncle Karma seems to have his campsite well and truly setup right now. Oddly enough he hasn't spoken with me just yet, I know he's hiding around here somewhere, though. My first clue being the breaks on my car going. He always seems to target my car. He doesn't mind that lessons have already been learnt, or that punishments have already been dished out. He will only be content when the universe is balanced once more and who decides when the universe is balanced?
Everyone would like to think of themselves as a good friend, nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. This is my time to hold my hands up and admit that my flaws have seeped into pastures they should have never even had sight of. These are the pastures that have, for years, offered me shelter from storms that would have destroyed me otherwise. I have allowed my own personal turmoil to affect every single friendship that I hold dear. For that I can not be anymore apologetic.
I speak to KW for 30 seconds and a smile breaks out on my face.
I am going to change. I am the friend that you all deserve, and I will show it!
Plus its in writing now, so that's a contract, right?
I'll sign with a cross on my heart.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Somehow...
...Uncle Anxiety has managed to get a key, I'm not sure what door this key opens, clearly I have some kind of emergency exit somewhere that isn't being used in line with standard emergency procedure. Therefore, I have today made a conscious decision; I'm changing the locks and this time there will be no spare keys. Unfortunately Uncle Anxiety is going to have to sit out in the cold. Now if only I could find that door....
Furthermore...
I'm not a disciple, and you are not Jesus.
So why are you preaching to me?
Its boring.
I say this not out of lack of respect for you, but because my ears are exhausted from hearing the 'right way to live YOUR life'. The fact that you have made the life choice to travel somewhere to live for an extended period of time, partially supported by the taxes that I contribute, is indeed a life experience, but does that give you the right to question my choices? Each to their own my friend. We are all equal in this world;
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
For now I think the lid should be placed, and sealed, firmly on that can of worms. After all, they don't taste too good.
Do you believe in luck? Some people say that they don't and that they make their own luck. To those people I say that you have to believe in luck to make your own. Myself, I'm still undecided as to whether luck, or the lack of it, is distributed fairly across mankind. I would hazard a guess that it most certainly isn't. Those brave souls in Haiti each deserve a medal just for braving each sunrise at the moment.
It almost seems selfish to think about what I consider a problem after reflecting on the tragic circumstances in Haiti, but this is still my space. I'm allowed to be a little self indulgent here.
Since I was Seventeen years old I have been plagued. Every year, maybe not as regular as clockwork, but at least as regular as the earth orbits the sun, he's just always there. He is not my friend and I don't wish to see him anymore, regardless of how I know I deserve this, all of this. Please leave me alone....
...Old Uncle Karma.
Don't you just hate it when the annoying members of your family come to visit?
Furthermore...
I'm not a disciple, and you are not Jesus.
So why are you preaching to me?
Its boring.
I say this not out of lack of respect for you, but because my ears are exhausted from hearing the 'right way to live YOUR life'. The fact that you have made the life choice to travel somewhere to live for an extended period of time, partially supported by the taxes that I contribute, is indeed a life experience, but does that give you the right to question my choices? Each to their own my friend. We are all equal in this world;
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
For now I think the lid should be placed, and sealed, firmly on that can of worms. After all, they don't taste too good.
Do you believe in luck? Some people say that they don't and that they make their own luck. To those people I say that you have to believe in luck to make your own. Myself, I'm still undecided as to whether luck, or the lack of it, is distributed fairly across mankind. I would hazard a guess that it most certainly isn't. Those brave souls in Haiti each deserve a medal just for braving each sunrise at the moment.
It almost seems selfish to think about what I consider a problem after reflecting on the tragic circumstances in Haiti, but this is still my space. I'm allowed to be a little self indulgent here.
Since I was Seventeen years old I have been plagued. Every year, maybe not as regular as clockwork, but at least as regular as the earth orbits the sun, he's just always there. He is not my friend and I don't wish to see him anymore, regardless of how I know I deserve this, all of this. Please leave me alone....
...Old Uncle Karma.
Don't you just hate it when the annoying members of your family come to visit?
Now I'm no chef but...
Take one regular guy, stir well with lashings of underachievement. Add a pinch of disappointment, a dash of aspiration and finally a sprinkle of excessive quirk. Bake at gas mark 6 for twenty two years and serve luke warm with a teaspoon, no, we should probably make it a tablespoon, of sarcasm.
And Here I am.
Craig Harris. This space is mine, feel free to visit anytime but please remember to take your shoes off before I show you around. I'm already filthy minded as it is, and I'm planning to keep this as 'out of the gutter' as I possibly can.
Read without judgement if you will.
They call me Haggis. 'They' being pretty much everyone I know, sometimes including myself. I was first branded with this...Name? When I was around 10 years old. Ironically this was bestowed upon me by a young fellow who, at the time, was affectionately known to all as 'the hump'. Its odd how he managed to affect my entire life, and yet we haven't crossed paths for years.
Why am I here?
This blog, moving forwards, is to be my proverbial shoulders, where I plan to keep all of my worries, my thoughts, or anything I want. Because these are my shoulders. What? Do you want a piggy back? That's fine with me, just remember who's doing the carrying!
I suffer from anxiety. No, let me rephrase; I experience anxiety. By no means do I suffer. So every now and again I get a little hysterical, so what? There's people who are genuinely suffering, and it doesn't matter what they're suffering from. The point is; who am I to claim any part of their world, when they don't wish to claim the world themselves!? Point made.
Hopefully this blog will help me overcome, anything that represents an obstacle for me? Maybe I'll vent a bit of frustration every now and again? Maybe this is the type of blog where you should substitute the word 'Maybe' with the words 'of course' more often than not. :)
Headfirst!
2010 is here! Have I really lived in 4 decades? If your definition of living is breathing and functioning as a human being, then yes I have. But have I really lived? It doesn't feel like it. In fact I feel like I've held myself back ever since I got my first pair of shoes that allowed me to walk my own path!
This new decade has to be different. I need it to be! I want to grow as a person and I feel the only way to do that is to push myself... To do anything that won't kill me!
I saw a film a few weeks ago called 'YES MAN' and it inspired me. OK I'm not looking to participate in anything that presents itself to me...because maybe I don't want to swim naked in a muddy canal, but my eyes will more open to opportunities that present themselves to me.
This year is going to be mainly about confidence. To abbreviate as best I can, I have no confidence at the moment. I struggle sometimes. Going to the shop, going to work and more importantly going to see my friends, are all tasks I can barely muster the courage to complete.
Courage - its such an honourable word. Many may feel that I'm belittling the true meaning of the word itself by saying that I need courage to go shopping. To anybody sporting that opinion I would argue that there are certain words that have no meaning, unless the meaning is found on an individual basis. So yes, courage does have an official generic meaning (i guess they have to give it one so that it can appear in the dictionary) but to me Courage means being able to walk past strangers with my head up; it means being able to be outside of my own home without covering my face with a scarf; it means talking to anyone face to face; sometimes it means picking myself up and getting out of bed in the morning.
I will be more confident. I have had confidence in the past. I know it will come. I also know that if I repeat the previous statement to myself time and time again I may one day start to believe it!
I actually made a new friend today. Lucy. Who oddly enough didn't care that I had my face covered, or that I was blushing incessantly as she spoke to me. She put me at ease enough for me to actually have a conversation with her. The smile I've been wearing on my face ever since is my gold medal. Well done me :)
Poetry? I miss my poetry. I used to write a lot. My poems are my art and every single one is a tribute to 'The George'. In my eyes the greatest man to have graced Gods green earth, I'm proud to call him my grandfather and equally as delighted that we managed to share some of our lives together. This year I will start writing again, and every word that I manage to ink into every piece of paper will belong to my grandad. I do miss you an awful lot grandad. I still have your promise, I'm going to make one soon.
I hate my job at the moment. I've supposedly done myself proud by earning a place on the FSA Compliance & Admin team. Apparently I work on THE team. We're in charge of a multi-million pound project. And its exciting!!! Wait, it should be exciting. Why isn't it? Let me tell you something about the FSA Compliance & Admin team. This is a small group of incredibly dedicated individuals, some dedicated enough to take a pay cut to join their department (of which i am one of these people). I've honestly never seen a team of people work so hard, at times! But then we flip the coin...There are times when we have no work to do, and we're unable to help our colleagues with their work because 'that's not what they're paying us to do'...So rather than earn my wage I have found myself sitting on my backside this week, waiting for the day to end. Fab.
Then there's the mentality of 'I've got to be better than everyone' that certain people carry. This has led to people taking credit for other people's work, and people taking the blame for other peoples mistakes. Some of the people that have adopted this mentality are apparently management prospects.
If becoming a manager means walking all over people, then I don't have what it takes. Because I'm sad enough to care.
Luckily for me I happen to have the most faithful and wonderful network of friends in the world! A friend told me not so long back that the REAL friends will still be there, no matter what. I know its a cliche but its so true. And I can honestly say that I have 6 people not far away who won't let me fall to the depths of 'rock bottom'. In fact I think they completely removed 'Rock Bottom' from my world.
In general, I have felt very low lately, but I can feel a subtle sense of 'rallying' around me. And its left me feeling uplifted more often than I expected. Its a tribute to how amazing some of the people in my life are :)
So, 2010, be gentle with me for now.
This dish may be a little questionable right now, but is by no means well within its sell by date.
Seasoning Required :)
And Here I am.
Craig Harris. This space is mine, feel free to visit anytime but please remember to take your shoes off before I show you around. I'm already filthy minded as it is, and I'm planning to keep this as 'out of the gutter' as I possibly can.
Read without judgement if you will.
They call me Haggis. 'They' being pretty much everyone I know, sometimes including myself. I was first branded with this...Name? When I was around 10 years old. Ironically this was bestowed upon me by a young fellow who, at the time, was affectionately known to all as 'the hump'. Its odd how he managed to affect my entire life, and yet we haven't crossed paths for years.
Why am I here?
This blog, moving forwards, is to be my proverbial shoulders, where I plan to keep all of my worries, my thoughts, or anything I want. Because these are my shoulders. What? Do you want a piggy back? That's fine with me, just remember who's doing the carrying!
I suffer from anxiety. No, let me rephrase; I experience anxiety. By no means do I suffer. So every now and again I get a little hysterical, so what? There's people who are genuinely suffering, and it doesn't matter what they're suffering from. The point is; who am I to claim any part of their world, when they don't wish to claim the world themselves!? Point made.
Hopefully this blog will help me overcome, anything that represents an obstacle for me? Maybe I'll vent a bit of frustration every now and again? Maybe this is the type of blog where you should substitute the word 'Maybe' with the words 'of course' more often than not. :)
Headfirst!
2010 is here! Have I really lived in 4 decades? If your definition of living is breathing and functioning as a human being, then yes I have. But have I really lived? It doesn't feel like it. In fact I feel like I've held myself back ever since I got my first pair of shoes that allowed me to walk my own path!
This new decade has to be different. I need it to be! I want to grow as a person and I feel the only way to do that is to push myself... To do anything that won't kill me!
I saw a film a few weeks ago called 'YES MAN' and it inspired me. OK I'm not looking to participate in anything that presents itself to me...because maybe I don't want to swim naked in a muddy canal, but my eyes will more open to opportunities that present themselves to me.
This year is going to be mainly about confidence. To abbreviate as best I can, I have no confidence at the moment. I struggle sometimes. Going to the shop, going to work and more importantly going to see my friends, are all tasks I can barely muster the courage to complete.
Courage - its such an honourable word. Many may feel that I'm belittling the true meaning of the word itself by saying that I need courage to go shopping. To anybody sporting that opinion I would argue that there are certain words that have no meaning, unless the meaning is found on an individual basis. So yes, courage does have an official generic meaning (i guess they have to give it one so that it can appear in the dictionary) but to me Courage means being able to walk past strangers with my head up; it means being able to be outside of my own home without covering my face with a scarf; it means talking to anyone face to face; sometimes it means picking myself up and getting out of bed in the morning.
I will be more confident. I have had confidence in the past. I know it will come. I also know that if I repeat the previous statement to myself time and time again I may one day start to believe it!
I actually made a new friend today. Lucy. Who oddly enough didn't care that I had my face covered, or that I was blushing incessantly as she spoke to me. She put me at ease enough for me to actually have a conversation with her. The smile I've been wearing on my face ever since is my gold medal. Well done me :)
Poetry? I miss my poetry. I used to write a lot. My poems are my art and every single one is a tribute to 'The George'. In my eyes the greatest man to have graced Gods green earth, I'm proud to call him my grandfather and equally as delighted that we managed to share some of our lives together. This year I will start writing again, and every word that I manage to ink into every piece of paper will belong to my grandad. I do miss you an awful lot grandad. I still have your promise, I'm going to make one soon.
I hate my job at the moment. I've supposedly done myself proud by earning a place on the FSA Compliance & Admin team. Apparently I work on THE team. We're in charge of a multi-million pound project. And its exciting!!! Wait, it should be exciting. Why isn't it? Let me tell you something about the FSA Compliance & Admin team. This is a small group of incredibly dedicated individuals, some dedicated enough to take a pay cut to join their department (of which i am one of these people). I've honestly never seen a team of people work so hard, at times! But then we flip the coin...There are times when we have no work to do, and we're unable to help our colleagues with their work because 'that's not what they're paying us to do'...So rather than earn my wage I have found myself sitting on my backside this week, waiting for the day to end. Fab.
Then there's the mentality of 'I've got to be better than everyone' that certain people carry. This has led to people taking credit for other people's work, and people taking the blame for other peoples mistakes. Some of the people that have adopted this mentality are apparently management prospects.
If becoming a manager means walking all over people, then I don't have what it takes. Because I'm sad enough to care.
Luckily for me I happen to have the most faithful and wonderful network of friends in the world! A friend told me not so long back that the REAL friends will still be there, no matter what. I know its a cliche but its so true. And I can honestly say that I have 6 people not far away who won't let me fall to the depths of 'rock bottom'. In fact I think they completely removed 'Rock Bottom' from my world.
In general, I have felt very low lately, but I can feel a subtle sense of 'rallying' around me. And its left me feeling uplifted more often than I expected. Its a tribute to how amazing some of the people in my life are :)
So, 2010, be gentle with me for now.
This dish may be a little questionable right now, but is by no means well within its sell by date.
Seasoning Required :)
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