Thursday, 27 January 2011

Making lightning...

So, right now, in this very moment, as these words fall from my head. What do I feel? It is so difficult to explain. I feel...electric; as if every single insignificant spark of electricity that has ever bolted from my mind has returned to me. I have been recharged.

Over the past week the grades were published for the three assignments I submitted towards the end of last year. Owing to the fact that my presence had not been felt in a classroom or lecture theatre for around six years, I had fought my natural instincts and convinced myself that passing would be enough - at least until I had found my feet, academically speaking.

I am so happy with the grades that I have earned:

British Press - First Class.
Research & Development - First Class.
Theory and Practice - 2:1

THIS is why I am starting to believe in myself; after making the start that I have, I owe it to myself to believe! THIS is exactly what I was repeatedly told that I am not capable of;

THIS is what would make my grandfather proud.

For only the second time in my life, my eyes filled with tears of happiness, tears that smiled their way down a face that has frowned too often.

In hindsight, maybe there are no 'insignificant sparks'? Because every ounce of electricity that has ever bled from me has led me to here; to where I make lightning...

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Resolute resolutions...

Old Uncle Anxiety; he's still around. But I don't allow him to have an impact on my life anymore. To have reached this point, a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin - well that was all I wanted from 2010. But as I have stated in previous entries, I have managed to achieve so much more.

Excuse me for one second as I blow that proverbial trumpet of delight.

As far as a lifetime goes there are still so many mountain-tops that I want to reach; there will be many more that I will want to reach that I haven't even contemplated yet. Now, for the first time, I actually believe that it is all possible. I can look at myself in the mirror, and even if the man looking back at me fails to represent the physical image I would rather aspire to, I know that he is capable of amazing things.

I am not usually one to throw myself into the gauntlet of 'new years resolutions', infact I have always thought the whole ideology of it to be more of a gateway to procrastination; so many people make these promises to themselves, only to break them. How can a person find belief in what they do if they lie to themselves on the dawn of every 'new beginning'?

This year I am making resolutions. Resolutions that I am going to stick to; resolute resolutions, if you will. My reasoning behind this is simple; the belief that I now have in myself has climbed proportionately over the past year to a point where I now know that I can say that I will do something and actually do it. I will expand slightly on this in my next post.

For now I will share my resolutions with you.

1. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, I have always said that I am going to and not done so. Well this year that will be different, I am going to start to learn to play the acoustic guitar.

2. I will reach a minimum of 80 words per minute in my shorthand and do my utmost to achieve the 100 words per minute. I do not want to be sailing the same ship as so many students who have made it to the third year of university, but have added unnecessary work to their load because they didn't achieve what they could achieve in the first year.

3. I am going to blog as often as I can. I enjoy writing more than I will ever be able to describe and last year there were times when I had time to make an entry but failed to. This year that will not be such a regular occurrence.

On a side note, someone once told me that I had something special; the ability to light up a room just by being there. As she put it: 'the ability to shine'. As I surrendered myself to self-pity and allowed my confidence to drain I think that I lost that completely.

I will get that back...