Thursday, 18 February 2010

Sticks and Stones...

"I don't ever wanna talk to you again.
You're a pathetic little boy that needs
to grow a pair of balls! Laters loser!"

Someone elses shoes...

We've all done it, analysed a situation and wondered what it would be like if it were you experiencing that fete. These last few days I have done exactly that.

Quite honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I would do if i were to discover that my 18 year old son was about to be a dad. I, equally, have no inclination as to what I would have done should I have found out that his girlfriend was 7 months into the pregnancy and would be gifting life into my family within 2 months!

I don't know what I would do.

Those shoes didn't fit me too well, I'll try this pair;

Where would I turn if my girlfriend told me she was pregnant...with twins? What do I do next? Do I have what it takes to be a dad? Am I old enough? Can I afford this huge change in my life? Do I have the willpower to stay loyal to my new family? What will my parents say?

I don't know what I would do...

One thing is for sure, all of the parties involved in the above scenario need to wear in their new attire within the next 60 days.

Its so very easy to judge in this situation, I mean, how stupid and irresponsible could you possibly be, right? Your income is almost non existent and you refuse to even acknowledge that you have a girlfriend. The flag is certainly being flown for stupidity.

That, however, is the point where I have to slam the breaks on. There's no car crash yet, although the airbags have deployed and the warning light has been flashing for the last 7 months. So I'll take a step back. You could be a brilliant father! I sincerely wish you a lifetime of luck, after all, this is a lifetime adventure you're about to set out on.

Moving on..

Let me tell you about a very special day! 17th February 2010. Its special, first and foremost, as it is the celebration date of the birth of RG - who just so happens to be one of my closest friends (I need to come back to this in a later blog, though.)

less important to the world, but equally as important to myself, this day is special for another reason...
Gingerly, I attended RG's birthday gathering at a small pub in Stourbridge. Its only owing to my huge respect for RG that I attended knowing full well that it was a potential anxiety banana skin.

Ladies and gentlemen put your bananas away! Once I had managed to jump the hurdle that was worrying me most, which was the first corner hurdle of entering the room to that moment when everyone looks at you to see who you are, I was fine. Scratch that, I was so much better than fine. I had such a good time!
For several glorious hours I'm almost certain that I returned to my usual old usual self! Of course, I can be forgiven for not being certain, after all, it has been such a long time since I was that person that I struggle to recall what he was like. It felt like him, though.

As a rule I avoid naming people in my blogs. Everyone is equal as far as I'm concerned. But today I have this overwhelming urge to express my gratitude to the following people who rescued me for a night, probably without realising it.

Ruth Grove
Hannah Pollard
Zoe Holness
Craig Jukes
Andrew Moore
Hannah Grove
Lucie Tromans

Most of you won't even read this. But I love you all. Thank you so much!

Because of you..

Go ahead, present me with every shoe you can find!
I'd still choose to walk away wearing my own <3

Monday, 8 February 2010


Note to self: Self loathing is not healthy.

And that ends now!

Lately I've been sitting in shadows; the shadows of others and of my apparent 'former self', the person numerous people asked me to pacify in the past and yet would now rather have back. People tell me they miss me. I miss me too.

Ultimately, my aim is to walk out of these shadows, permanently. Until then I have my spotlights. Random moments of light that temporarily drown out the shadows and allow me to enjoy myself and be comfortable. I control these spotlights.
Unfortunately I am of the belief that there isn't a soul on earth who quite understands this. Time and time again people reach for MY spotlight and point it directly at me. I beg of you, please do not force me out of the shadows when it is not my time to shine.

Do you think you are doing me a favour? I assure you that you are not. I count myself lucky that I have discovered these random moments of light and I cease on every single one when and if I can.

When you shine the spotlight on me,
I'm just a rabbit in your headlights.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

A little poorer, a little richer...

Here ends the five days of procrastination as I finally make a blog entry. I've missed my little space! Sometimes, though, starring at a blank entry, waiting for the words to come flooding out on their own, doesn't bare fruit.

Right now you could say that I'm on cloud eight, unfortunately cloud nine is currently occupied by JP, who is due to have her baby in the near future. Due to this I was more than happy to set up camp next door.

To my delight this week has been rather productive on my part. I've managed to see FOUR of my very good friends after work on various days, I've also managed to get through a fair amount of work in the office. Of course nobody will notice the latter.

On Tuesday I went for a quiet drink with RG and ZH, with CJ turning up later on in the night. Honestly, I can't recall much of the night owing to my eyes being closed for a good portion of it. I was exhausted! Despite nodding off I was, once more, wearing that huge grin; I didn't say much that night, I literally sat and observed my wonderful friends. The relief of feeling so at ease with them almost led me to tears, its been over a year since I'd been just completely comfortable with my surroundings!

And so far the scarf remains redundant!!!

What is this? There appears to be some sort of white, cold, powdery substance falling from the sky!
Yes Mr Local Authority, its called snow. It has graced us with its presence every single year since time began, which is more than I can say for your gritting service. You have no excuses for being ill equipped that will wash with me!

This year I have been less than impressed with the snowfall, I was even less impressed with the way the local authorities managed to 'cope' with the demand placed on them. Forgive me for introducing the innocence of the weather, however, it appears to be haunting me.

On several occasions I very nearly didn't make it into work. On one occasion I physically couldn't get there, not for the want of trying! For this I can forgive old Mother Nature. But don't your lips just curl when mothers take it a step too far?

One lovely snowy day (please interpret the italic as sarcasm) I attempted to make it home after my ever so exciting shift had finished. After struggling through streams of traffic I finally made it to my estate. I was inches away from home, I could smell the tomato soup, when an ominous crunching sounded from the underside of my car. It seems old Uncle Karma and old Mother Nature were having a bit of a jest at my expense.

To add my weather related blues, yesterday I was informed, via a piece of paper that was left on my desk, that the day I couldn't make it to work would be deducted from my wages. This isn't company policy and I know of no other cases of people having their salary penalised in this way. Honestly, I find this rather disconcerting, but not surprising. Regardless, I shall keep my head down and get on with my work.

Wednesday, the day my employer turned into a masked burglar, EK bought to my attention that she wasn't having the greatest of time and needed cheering up. Enter Haggis! After work I bought her a...frappocino? Basically I bought her a cup of cold coffee with a straw. We had, what could quite possibly be, the best chat we've ever had! By the end of the night I couldn't help but feel that my mission had been accomplished, EK seemed much happier. A good deed that had, in fact, been returned in kind. My spirits were high!

Further to this, I have even more plans to see both EK and HH this Saturday. Honestly, the wait is killing me as I have to look in the mirror every day and I'm petrified that my skin will get worse before then. I can feel my confidence getting a little stronger day by day, but Cousin Common Sense has kept my feet on the ground, he reminds me that this could all be too good to be true. I know he could possibly be right, I mean, I honestly don't feel as though I deserve the levels of happiness that I have encountered recently. I can't help but take comfort from the fact that, every now and again, his advice is only theorised. Maybe he's wrong...
Oh how I hope he is wrong.

So, two hits to the bank balance later, admittedly I am a little poorer.

Following two trips to see some of my closest and dearest friends, and plans afoot to do so again...Who cares about money?

I'm all the richer! :)